Another Piece of My Heart
“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
― Elizabeth Stone
I think I've always wanted children. I had a million dolls as a kid. I always carried a doll with me wherever I went. To the store, on vacation, one of my Cabbage Patch Kids even made it into a class picture in elementary school. And every night, I would fall asleep in the middle of my mom's giant bed with all of my babies lined up next to me. I felt safe and loved surrounded by all of my dolls and stuffed animals. So it's no surprise to me that I have three kids (so far...), but what is a surprise is the ferocity with which I love my babies. It's primal and soft, overwhelming and makes me weepy. It's moments of pure joy and moments of epic frustration. It's love like I've never known and can't even explain in a way that makes sense to someone who hasn't experienced it.
From the outside pregnancy is a topic of conversation, a club women who have experienced it are part of and one women who want to experience it are eager to get in to. We talk to each other about morning sickness and maternity clothes and ultrasound pictures. We reminisce about being pregnant, share labor stories and compare stretch marks. From the inside, at least for me anyway, it's months of worry and joy, exhaustion and anticipation. I'm constantly in awe of this amazing body that can make people (and, after, I'm a little hard on it for not snapping back quickly enough). And it's LONG. VERY VERY LONG.
With every pregnancy, I have had the intention to document it like I would for someone else. I want to show the beauty and miracle of carrying a baby. Each moment of it lovingly documented. I want to show how eager I am to meet our new little person, and how much I love my husband for being willing to go another round of crazy pregnant wife and up all nights with me. But with each pregnancy I am bigger and more tired than the last, so by the time I start showing I look more like I barely survived a fight with Mother Nature, rather than Mother Nature incarnate. With this, my third child, I started showing roughly five minutes after I took the test and by 20 weeks people were already asking me if I was close to the end.
And while I only managed to take a few photos this time around, I can say that, as always, it was a an awe inspiring experience ... even though I'm a truly terrible preggo. Really. But on the bright side, we do make the most extraordinarily beautiful babies, so totally worth it. (I know, all mamas think that.)
Welcome to the world, my newest beloved. Benji Boston, born November 29, 2013.
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